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Life of Scott12월 22일 MOVING -- New Blog!"Life of Scott" has moved to its new place in cyberspace -- Blogger! The new address is http://bindel.blogspot.com
This move was instigated by MSN's horrid editor. Adding pictures to the middle of a post was like playing Operation with kitchen tongs. I couldn't even get the funny bone out with those tweezers until we cut the wire holding them to the game. Then it never buzzed again.
Please visit me in my new location and update your bookmarks accordingly. My first post will be about Sanchez: Mexico's Most Famous Pirate Adelphia Cable Company PlayWhat follows is a true story from when I was trying to get internet service to my apartment. Adelphia is the cable company that is thankfully being usurped by a (hopefully) less moronic company, Time Warner Cable.
Adelphia: Hello.
Scott: Hi. I want internet
A: Where do you live?
S: [My address], Penthouse 7
A: What is the unit number?
S: Penthouse 7.
A: I only have three-digit numbers.
S: How about P-H-7?
A: That is not a unit number.
S: Yes it is. It is my unit number.
A: I only have three digit numbers.
S: PH7 doesn't work?
A: No.
S: What about 1507?
A: Only three digits.
S: 157?
A: Nope. The only numbers we have are in the 200's.
S: But I don't live on the second floor.
A: Just tell me your unit number.
S: PH7.
A: I only have 200's available.
S: So I can choose anything in the 200's?
A: What is your unit number?
S: How about 275? Does 275 work?
A: Ummm... No. I am not showing a 275.
S: That's because it doesn't exist! We don't all live on the second floor! There are 15 floors to this building and only one of them has units in the 200's.
A: ...
S: What about 1404. (This is Evan's room) I know he has cable already.
A: Ummm... No.
S: Is there someone else I can talk to?
A: There is a local office, but they don't accept phone calls. Only walk-ins are available.
S: They don't have any phones in the whole building?
A: No, sir. You would have to go to the building to talk to them.
S: Are you kidding me? You are a tech company and I have to physically go somewhere to ask if my apartment exists?
A: That is correct.
S: You are a dumb crapfart.
And that was the day I learned to hate things I don't understand. 12월 18일 A Special Christmas PoemIn the continued spirit of the holidays this season, I have composed and reworked a very special poem for all my faithful readers. God bless!
Christmas is an OK time of year. A time for laughs And a time for It opens out hearts And fills our carts,
Now baby, come sit on Santa’s lap for a while.
Jesus was born so long ago Over the river And through the snow. The son of God In His naked baby bod,
So just nuzzle into my lap for a while.
The snow falls down in large white flakes On the lawns And on the lakes.
We drink the rum Till we go numb
Yeah, that’s right, it feels real nice now.
Family gathers and all are elated To see each other,
Baby, we aren’t even really related. The house is happy,
The presents are crappy,
Meet me in the walk-in closet in five minutes. 12월 15일 Holiday Tips for 2005The
holidays can be hectic to the point of overwhelming even the most
conscientious person. Here are some tips that can save you a lot
of headaches and returns.
Huey Lewis InterviewHuey Lewis was a guest on the Opie and Anthony show this morning on XM (the best radio show ever). It reminded me of an interview I held with Mr. Lewis several years back when I was a freelance writer for a local newspaper. Here is the transcript.
Scott Bindel: Hello, Sir. My name is Scott Bindel.
Huey Lewis: ...
SB: Sir?
HL: ...
SB: Mr. Lewis, do I need a credit card to ride a train?
HL: No.
SB: You sure?
HL: Quit fucking around. You don't need no credit card to ride this train.
SB: Ok, now you ask me a question.
HL: Do you believe in love?
SB: Wee-ooh, ooh-ooh, wee-ooh.
HL: Spot on, kid. Spot on.
SB: We have a pretty good thing going here. Let me try again. What was your crappiest song ever?
HL: We didn't do any crappy songs.
SB: Oh yeah. What about your best song ever?
HL: All of our songs are the best song ever.
SB: Oh. Even the Heart of Rock 'n Roll?
HL: Especially Heart of Rock 'n Roll.
SB: Remember when you did that song from "Back to the Future"?
HL: Yes.
SB: That was a pretty funny movie.
HL: It sure was.
That interview was both the start and end to my investigative journalism career. 12월 12일 Things I HateHere is a brief list of things I hate or dislike, in no particular order.
Feel free to append this list through the comments section. 12월 4일 A Deadly WeekendFriday was a noteworthy night, but I will spare its participants this publicly searchable entry. Our story begins Saturday at 5:45am.
Our hero, Scott Elliot Bindel, woke up in Friday night’s clothes, lying on top of a crumpled sweatshirt with his contacts still in his eyes. “Enough is enough,” he said as he twisted his fists in his eyes like they always do in cartoons. “I will change my ways starting tonight.” He showered, brushed his teeth, and crawled under the covers.
By the time Jason and Scott were driving back from Dave & Buster’s, the snow had been falling and the highways were full of slushy, wintry crap. Scott was driving perfectly and attentively, like always, when a severe twist of fate shook the Earth ahead of the heroes.
A salt truck began dumping out banana peels and land mines while cars behind them were shooting spinning turtle shells at them. Enormous penguins kept walking around in circles on the highway that was now covered with oil slicks and ramps everywhere. In a stellar show of automotive dexterity, Scott maneuvered the car through this dangerous obstacle course while Jason kept complaining about having to poop.
The car began to go sideways. Then it went sideways the other way. Then again the way it was going first. By this point, there were many army tanks on the sides of the road shooting 50mm shells at cars. Some cars were exploding and a helicopter crashed into overhead power lines.
In the end, either Scott or the Mazda 3 proved to fucking suck in the snow. At the very last second, the car went over a flat-bed tow truck with its bed lowered to form a perfect ramp. The heroes soared over a line of mounted machine gunes and the they were stopped in the middle of the eastbound lanes facing west. A limousine was barreling toward them when Scott realized the car had stalled because the clutch was not the first thing he thought about when he was sliding around tanks and exploding helicopters. He turned the key – nothing. He turned the key – nothing.
Oddly, Scott's own life did not flash before his eyes, but Jason's did. Jason used to wear dresses and make-up with his sisters because they wished he was a girl. He also wore a Hypercolor shirt to a middle school dance and spent much of the night in the cafeteria making it change color. His childhood made Scott very sad.
He finally hit the clutch, turned the key, and got to the shoulder. The limo changed lanes and no one died. Jason broke the silence first with his profound words.
“I’m kind of glad we had a couple of beers or I would have been freaking out.”
Frazzled, the heroes returned safely to Cleveland and abandoned any further plans of driving. Just like Old Grandpappy always said, a bottle of whiskey is much better company on a snowy night than is an oncoming limo. 11월 30일 Dirty PicturesThis
article has the sole purpose of attracting hits from search engines, so
please read my blog while you are here. Start with the Ben
Franklin article. You just might like it. Allow me to list the types of smut I have seen. Anal, fisting, anal fisting, horse sexing, watersports, pee cams, upskirts, nude beach shots, cum shots, facials, cream pies, voyeur cams, lingerie, panties, foot fetish, bondage, eel sex, dog sex, animals in general, gay sex, straight sex, missionary, doggy style, cleveland steamer style, tag team, gangbang, blowjob, cheerleaders, little girls, shaved, hairy, fat, anorexic, boys, girls, young sex, grannies, midgets, grandpas, midgets with grandpas, midgets with dogs, footjobs, handjobs, boob sex, anal cream pies, mother with son, father with daughter, mother with daughter, grandma with grandson, incest in general, piercings, cock rings, huge penises, little penises, little boobs, saggy boobs, fried egg boobs, cameltoes, thongs, crotchless panties, chicks with dicks, she males, elephant sex, and a whale penis. Now go back and read other articles. I promise they are better. Feel free to leave comments. DaydreamingToday
I had a daydream. I want you to picture this scene as visually
and as realistically as possible. Simply reading will do no good
here; you must imgaine. There is a young man who is asked by his high school drama director to ride his motorcycle on stage during a scene of the show where the bad boy picks up his girlfriend. He is very excited and does so during opening night. He cruises on in his leather jacket and decides to peel out on his way off stage. Instead of doing a proper burnout, he loses the bike out from under him, it lands on his ankle, and as he lies there with his broken ankle and banged up bike, he says into his lapel microphone, "Fuck!" The show went from a happy musical number immediately into a motorcycle accident and someone shouting, "Fuck!" Then he gets suspended, quits school, and lives with his mom until he dies at 31. This epilogue was not part of the original daydream. 11월 23일 The True Life of Benjamin FranklinBenjamin Franklin was born on a small New Jersey plantation in 1744. Back then, houses were not judged on cost or square footage, but by how many slaves were required to keep them tidy and well-fed. The Franklin house was a 7-slave Tudor and it had a heliport. As you may recall from your history books, Ben Franklin invented the heliport when he was 9. It was a strong start to what would eventually lead to his invention of the kite.
He grew his hair out long when he started balding at 11 (see picture). He would tell his mother, "Dearest mummy, thou art silly for requesting that I cutteth my hair. I looketh like a rock star."
Ben Franklin invented the spork because he recognized the need to eat salad with a spoon. He also invented fire trucks because the kids at school made fun of his old timey bicycle with the huge front wheel and little dog next to it. No one makes fun of the kid who shows up in a fire truck. Other Franklin inventions include the Franklin cushion (later patented by Charles Whoopee), the Franklin Seeing Eye Helpers (glasses), and corned beef sandwiches.
He was not merely a great inventor; he was also the Chief Advisor to Poor Richard, who invented the almanac. Almanacs are places where old people attempt to justify their existence by writing down obvious things. Here are some samples from the Almanac.
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man hate his life, eventually get divorced, and buy a sports car."
"He who hath hairy palms likely touches his most obscene appendage in terrible ways."
"One should never become intimate with a lady more than thrice his age."
These occasionally sound ideas paved the way for what would eventually become that stupid song about sunscreen. The guiding principle behind both of these works is that anything broadcast or recorded in ink is obviously wise and true.
Franklin was a horrific singer, which is why his friend, Thomas Edison, invented the phonograph. Franklin would not stop singing during the quiet parts of parties, so Edison whipped up his famous Singing Robotic Machine. Upon hearing of the phonograph, Franklin became very excited about the idea and helped fund the project. Once he realized that Edison said phonograph and not pornograph, Franklin pulled out his funding.
In the end, though, Franklin is remembered best for his last invention: electricity. It was an accidental invention on a stormy night. He tied a lightning rod to a kite tethered with a steel guy wire, like he did most every night when the weatherman called for a storm. Holding onto this wire was Ben himself, standing barefoot on the earth to properly ground himself, like always. When he was struck by lightning, his first words were recorded by his son, "Ow, fuck goddammit! Electricity fucking hurts! I can't believe I didn't think about that." His son asked him, "Wait. What fucking hurts?" To which Ben responded, "I already told you, electricity fucking hurts and I just invented it."
After being named TIME Magazine's man of the year, he spent the rest of his days pursuing the invention of the fabled Pornograph. |
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